i keep multiple journals around to satisfy my scattered thoughts. here is a recent excerpt from one of my handwritten journals:
“i’ve never really enjoyed holding hands with people. seems too personal and out there for everyone to see. perhaps its the vulnerability i can’t handle. i have grown to love this thing he does when he walks slightly in front of me, puts back one hand and motions for mine. in the beginning i reached over with trepidation, but now i don’t want to let go. it’s endearing and welcoming. something very hard to find in people.”
i’ve been so reserved with affection to the point where people i’ve dated started telling me i have no heart. not wanting to be touched or to reach out to others. it’s an emotional and physical bond i’m incapable of developing with anyone. it takes a certain level of comfort to reach and i’ve never been too emotionally slutty as such. though i think it’s good to have such reservations to reduce the chances of disappointment in the long run.
the older i get the more i see friends pairing off, taking the marriage route and planning for their own families. even my mother harasses me more often about others making it a goal to get married and scolds me for not having any wedding aspirations. i was raised in a fairly traditional environment and most everyone held their conventional views. i grew up wanting adventure and fulfilling my own needs. it will break my mother’s heart to know i don’t plan on marrying or having any children. i partially told her i was seeing someone (now) because i wanted her to know i was capable of having relationships with men—even if i won’t wear a ring with it someday.
why no marriage or kids? i don’t need paper to validate my feelings for someone nor do i want to deal with the repercussions of divorce as the ratio of divorces over marriages doesn’t seem to get better with time. people change, feelings fade, your wants and desires no longer stem from the same place, you want something more, you can’t take anything less.
long story short– i refuse to become a failed statistic.
i want to live a life where i can be gone for days on end and waste all my resources on myself if i choose to do so. i can’t accomplish such selfish acts with someone else to care for. i’m aware of my capabilities and i’m far too self involved to bring a child into this. how can i take care of someone else when i still haven’t figured out my own shit?
