i keep multiple journals around to satisfy my scattered thoughts. here is a recent excerpt from one of my handwritten journals:

“i’ve never really enjoyed holding hands with people. seems too personal and out there for everyone to see. perhaps its the vulnerability i can’t handle. i have grown to love this thing he does when he walks slightly in front of me, puts back one hand and motions for mine. in the beginning i reached over with trepidation, but now i don’t want to let go. it’s endearing and welcoming. something very hard to find in people.”

i’ve been so reserved with affection to the point where people i’ve dated started telling me i have no heart. not wanting to be touched or to reach out to others. it’s an emotional and physical bond i’m incapable of developing with anyone. it takes a certain level of comfort to reach and i’ve never been too emotionally slutty as such. though i think it’s good to have such reservations to reduce the chances of disappointment in the long run.

the older i get the more i see friends pairing off, taking the marriage route and planning for their own families. even my mother harasses me more often about others making it a goal to get married and scolds me for not having any wedding aspirations. i was raised in a fairly traditional environment and most everyone held their conventional views. i grew up wanting adventure and fulfilling my own needs. it will break my mother’s heart to know i don’t plan on marrying or having any children. i partially told her i was seeing someone (now) because i wanted her to know i was capable of having relationships with men—even if i won’t wear a ring with it someday.

why no marriage or kids? i don’t need paper to validate my feelings for someone nor do i want to deal with the repercussions of divorce as the ratio of divorces over marriages doesn’t seem to get better with time. people change, feelings fade, your wants and desires no longer stem from the same place, you want something more, you can’t take anything less.

long story short– i refuse to become a failed statistic.

i want to live a life where i can be gone for days on end and waste all my resources on myself if i choose to do so. i can’t accomplish such selfish acts with someone else to care for. i’m aware of my capabilities and i’m far too self involved to bring a child into this. how can i take care of someone else when i still haven’t figured out my own shit?

with gas and oil prices continuing to soar, there’s been a significant shift in many households. reducing driving time, eliminating luxuries to save on bills and changing transportation methods to save on gas.

i’ve lived a portion of my adult life not driving a car and felt completely happy with it. i’m fortunate enough to live close enough to all my needs, which can be a bike, bus or train ride away. unfortunately, most of society depends on vehicles to run much of their lives. i think about replacing bike parts or fixing a flat tire while roaming around town and that costing X amount. i can’t imagine a part failing on a car and having to replace that…let alone getting a new car all together. i’m not in a position where i can afford such luxuries or can risk something like that happening. no car = no way to get to work for many people.

i’m all for people who can afford to live without cars, but vehicles do have a place in this society ie; emergency situations and transporting people quickly. to be able to live a lifestyle where you don’t have to drive and worry about gas is a difficult task for many, but if it is possible for you– give it a shot. actually, i think many people should try to go without driving and see if they can– even if it is for one day. if you need to drive to get a work maybe catch a ride with a co-worker or take the bus. reducing driving time would save money and every dime is worth it.

i’ve been seeing a lot of articles about how bicycling has become a rising trend due to oil prices. having a bike is a freeing experience. commuting can be a pain at times (mostly in bad weather or difficult commutes), but you feel productive and it reduces much stress in the process. gets your heart rate going, you’re awake and your endorphins are up. no need for morning coffee.

so if you can, get on a bike. if you don’t know how to ride one, try learning or get on one after being away for 10 years. i still maintain that bicycles are one of the best inventions to this day. right next to velcro. huzzah.

i came across a woolly bear the other day and was immediately reminded of my adolescence.

exploring the back woods in Lake Oswego, climbing countless trees, capturing bees and various bugs into 2 liter plastic bottles, eating lots of laffy taffy, roller blading down huuge hills, chasing stray cats into doggy doors, playing house and cooking with leaves and mud…the usual.

i was a very active kid and prefered the outdoors to being inside. even if we were forced to be inside we’d find ways to amuse ourselves like roller blading on the hardwood floors while “mopping” them.

rock rock.

skip this if you’re not a fan of Sex and the City, which i will admit that i am. my buddy and i are going to the premier at the end of the month. i’m not so much in it for the continuing story, but the fashion. it just gets better. and by better i mean bigger and more outlandish. yes, we like the sex, we all have the sex. but throw in some Manolo Blahniks, a ridiculously expensive bag and a touch of Dolce and Gabbana and bam, us fashion whores die happy–at least for one evening.

long weekend means lots of junk to do and see. lots of bbq’in, drankin and bike riding- if the weather permits. speaking of which, it would suck for all of those Sasquatch kids if they got rained on, but hey..a good show is a good show! damn you suckas.

here’s some good stuff going on this weekend or NOW even:

Friday:  Mates of State at Music Millennium 6pm FREE!!  31 E Burnside, show up early kids for it shall be a killer show AND if you’ve been to MM you’d know how limited the space is.

Friday- Monday : The Westside Invite

if you like dirty messengers, bike polo, alley cats, PBR, bikes with no brakes, track racing…this event is for you. the first race is already underway as i type this and an after party mixer is at the B-side this evening. for the complete schedule, check the PUMA site.

Monday: Monday Funday in the park! Col. Sumners Park; SE 20th Belmont  2pm till late

Monday Funday is filled with people who share a love for kickball, dodgeball, bikes, PBR and grillin’ shit. there will be a grill so bring your grillables. so ride down to the park and grill it up with some kickball on the side.

get some air, have some fun and stay safe fiends!

holy mother of cats it’s been hot lately here in little ol’ Portland. like tongue hanging, dogs panting, sweaty pits, Mexico style hot. last Friday was supposedly 99 degrees, but my car sure felt like 105–easy. to relieve ourselves of this silly misery, we headed to Blue Lake for paddle boats, canoes and beer drinking reverie.

sweet, sweet Jesus it was a good time. check it below:

played with paddle boats

had a nutritious lunch

had some canoing action

and found kids catching some tiny fish

more visuals on the Blue Lake set on Flickr.

oh, and tomorrow calls for 62 degrees and rain. WTF man, WTF…

hey peeps– i’m participating in the Livestrong Challenge this year in Portland on June 29th. I’m riding 40 miles and helping to raise at least $250 for the benefit. if you  are interested in contributing, please click here to be directed to my page. any help is greatly appreciated!

here’s some info on where donations are going:

The Lance Armstrong Foundation unites people to fight cancer, believing that unity is strength, knowledge is power, and attitude is everything.

Through the dollars and awareness that we raise, we can inspire and empower individuals, and we can make life better for the more than 10 million Americans affected by cancer.

* $10 provides information packets to 16 cancer survivors to offer support, inspiration and hope.

* $50 provides 35 people cancer survivorship information, worksheets to organize their fight against cancer and support, inspiration and hope from other cancer survivors.

* $155 provides a cancer survivor one-on-one direct support through the LIVESTRONG SurvivorCare program.

* $250 provides LIVESTRONG Survivorship Notebooks to 27 cancer survivors.

Please support me as I make a difference in the cancer fight through my participation in the LIVESTRONG Challenge. Thank you!

i came across this ad for Sweetpea Bicycles on a bike forum today. it features the lovely founder, Natalie Ramsland and one of her frames. i found it pretty exciting for a local bike shop to be featured on a larger scale like an HP ad. i wouldn’t see this as “selling out” by any means. it’s networking and getting the word out to people who may never come across such beautiful bikes that aren’t spit out by factories.

hooray for bikes made from love!

do you know who you’re voting for?

oh and who is the mysterious man in the background? hmm…

but when it is…. we likes to play. and play we did; on the waterfront, esplanade, on bridges and even on motorcycles. oh my.

don’t fish here.

i made a friend!

yep, it’s a town of bridges all right.